living life yellow.
the ramblings of a 21 year old
Hi, it's me, Jasmine. If you've been here for a while you will obviously know that I'm not exactly a super healthy person 100% of the time. For those newbies here, this is me. A fairly regular looking 20 year old on the outside, but on the inside it's a different story.
I know I don't look sick. Most people are shocked when I tell them that last year I had 3 surgeries for a disease that has no cure. But reality is even on "good days," I'm most likely still in a lot of pain/feeling sick/being affected by my chronic illness. It's hard to remain looking like a normal human when your insides are tearing you down inside.
It's awkward having conversations with new people.
"Wanna go out to town tonight?"
"Oh, I'm not really into that.."
"Well, I take a lot of medications that I probably shouldn't mix with alcohol, plus when I do drink it makes my tummy really sore and bloated, and standing for hours on end will make me sore, and the lines to the bathroom are really long and that's an issue for me."
No one wants to be friends with the boring girl. They just see it as making excuses.
What they don't see is me struggling to keep up to them walking fast. They don't see me struggling to hold on to my bladder because it will be the third time I need to pee in 45 minutes. They don't see the irritable bowel symptoms and the consequences of eating the wrong thing. They don't see me sitting on the floor in the shower because it hurts to stand up for so long. They don't see the day, weeks even, where I'm in bed in so much pain I can hardly move. They don't see the numerous doctor and hospital trips. They don't see the pills, painkillers, steroid shots I take to keep me functioning. They don't see the endo growing inside me and the adhesions gluing my organs together.
People don't see the disability, they see a very boring and high maintenance person.
So yeah, I know I don't look sick but unfortunately I am. I just wish others would be more understanding towards this. When I bail on friends I seem like a flake. When I stay in bed to rest, I'm lazy or lucky because "I would have loved to spend the day in bed!" I need to do certain things to keep me functioning and a lot of people aren't aware of how complicated that can be sometimes.
I am so jealous of everyone who can just live a normal life.