living life yellow.
the ramblings of a 21 year old
I've spent all day putting off writing a blog post. It takes me a while to come up with what I want to write about but this one is just seeming to flow.
As I have said before, I am not the same person that I used to be. My life has completely changed. Nothing is normal anymore. Well I guess, the not normal has become my normal.
When I was in high school I did competitive All Star Cheerleading. Forget standing on the side of the field with pom-poms, think more bring it on, gymnastics, stunting, tumbling and jumping! Cheer wasn't just a sport, it was a lifestyle. Missing training was never an option. Along side this I also worked at a restaurant/bar. Then in my final year of school I also started working at a department store; adding a second job into the mix. All of this, plus school and a social life meant that I was constantly busy. I very rarely had time to myself. Oh those were the days..
Today I literally did nothing all day and for some reason I am still god damn tired. Most days I don't get out of bed till midday. I hardly ever see friends because my health isn't the best. I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I'm in so much pain or I feel like I can't deal with it anymore. Life can be really hard sometimes. All I want to do is feel normal again.
My new normal is having naps after doing small tasks so I don't get cranky. Taking a large amount of painkillers, antidepressants, bowel relaxers, laxatives (you name it, I've got it in my purse) with me where ever I go. Meeting new people for the first time and within an hour of hanging out being close enough to talk about our vaginas. Having open conversations about my bowel movements with my boyfriend. Debating wether *insert yummy food here* is worth the pain/bloating it will give me later. Almost weekly doctors appointments.
Normal is planning my entire day around my illness and knowing it could get bad at any moment.
My evenings are spent researching the costs to fly to florida and get laser therapy or trying to find a place in my city where I could get vaginal botox. I've spent so much time searching for something that will make my life so much easier. I dwell on the thought that I will probably never have enough money to try these things. I long for the days where I would be constantly busy. I never thought in my life that I would get sick of lying in bed all day.
There is often times where I feel so defeated by endometriosis. The only thing that gets me through is positivity.