living life yellow.
the ramblings of a 21 year old
I'm writing this blog tucked in bed with my electric blanket on high, but really I should be out, getting ready for a event with my best friend. Something that I purchased a dress for and was extremely excited to go. I was excited for two reasons; 1) I get to spend time with my best friend, who since being sick I don't get to see as often, and 2) I love doing my own/others hair and makeup, and getting dressed up. Unfortunately my endometriosis decided not to let me go. Last night I was up most the night in a large amount of pain, and still was in the morning and I still am now. There is pain that I can handle and deal with, but this is the type of pain that makes standing and leaving the house not a option. It's really difficult when I have to cancel plans due to my endometriosis. I was fine yesterday? You don't look sick? I hate letting my friends down. It all comes on so suddenly that there's no point committing to anything because I'm so unreliable. I feel guilty for being in pain.
Endometriosis doesn't just affect me physically, but it also does mentally. It plays a huge part on my friendships and relationships with others. It's frustrating when you go catch up with friends for dinner, which is something that is comfortable for me to do if my pain is manageable, all I have to do is sit there, chat and eat. But when the plans quickly turn to going on an adventure to the beach, I feel left out because I know I can't go. I'm already exhausted and walking around in the cold will flare up my pain. It's really hard when you see everyone out having fun via snapchat and facebook. It hurts.
It's even gotten to the point where sometimes I don't get invited to things anymore because they just assume that I'm going to be too unwell. Having a social life is important but it's hard when some days you just can't get out of the house due to pain, or if not that, you're too exhausted to be in the outside world. A lot of the time I'm just so easily annoyed and irritable that it's just easier to lock myself away, than be around others.
Endometriosis is ridiculously mentally draining. I have a lot of thoughts going around in my head that one of the main causes of my insomnia is that I can't just switch it off. I'm in pain majority of the time, more days than not. That sucks. I'm waiting four months to have a surgery that might not even help. I don't know when I'm able to start working or studying again. I can't go out and do things a normal 19 year olds would do. I might not be able to have babies. Yes, that's not something for me to worry about just yet, but I can't even watch Shortland Street and see a baby without getting upset and worried about it. I can't have a good day because I'm worried that the pain will kick in. I'm scared that the pain will never go away.
I look at myself in the mirror and don't think nice things. I hate the way my tummy is bloated. I look pregnant. I hate the acne that I get, not just on my face but on my chest and back too. I hate that it's hard to look nice when what you are wearing is essentially pyjamas. I hate not being able to do my makeup and hair without being exhausted. Most of all, I miss the person I used to be, before everything went downhill.
Endometriosis hurts, both physically and mentally.