living life yellow.
the ramblings of a 21 year old
I'm gonna be honest with you; 2018 was hard.
Before I started writing this, I read through my "Hello 2018," blog post, that I wrote at the start of last year, to reflect. In there I wrote down all my hopes, dreams and resolutions for the year, and to be honest, I didn't really achieve any of them.
2018 was a mentally tough year. I think it's the worst my depression and anxiety has ever been, and I feel like I shared a lot of that with you guys. There were a lot of times where I felt very alone and isolated because I was unwell. I even ended up having surgery #4 where yet again, they found endo and my fallopian tube tangled around my left ovary which explained all the pain I was going through (yay for it not all just being in my head.) I spent majority of the year inside of the house, which I really hate doing, and missed out on a lot of stuff. I just felt so consumed by being "not normal" compared to others my age.
I have take a while to have reflect on last year, and all the ups and downs that have happened and came to a conclusions that hopefully will help me become a better person in 2019
I just don't care anymore.
I have gotten to the point where I have decided not to care about anything, and it feels so freaking good. Shit happens but I don't care. The sun will rise tomorrow. The world will keep spinning. Life goes on.
I spent so much energy last year caring about everything and it is honestly exhausting. Especially with my anxiety, I just dig myself into this deep pit by caring so much about what people think of me. There have been times where the thought of meeting a new person makes me feel so anxious that I want to throw up, where as now I just don't care.
Kicking my anxiety's butt is something that I would really love to do this year and I have been trying to work on it by asking myself when I'm anxious about something "what is the worst that could happen." Basically just calling out my anxiety and getting on with my life.
Resolutions are dumb.
Every year I write up a huge list of resolutions and never really accomplish any of them. So this year I didn't bother. All I want from this year is to be better than last year. Instead of having lists of things I want to achieve, I am trying to be more appreciative and grateful for the small things in my life and doing the things that make me happy and healthy.
You love and you learn.
Something I didn't expect, was that I would be going into 2019 single. Heart break sucks but you learn so much from it, and develop yourself as a person. Like in every rom com, the girl always learns something as they go threw some form of heartbreak.
In all seriousness though, being single has felt very freeing to me. With all that is going on with me right now, it's nice not to be a burden to someone else.
This was a mutual break up. Things ended well.
So I am currently 12 days into 2019 and so far, so good. Not only have I left the house most days, but I have also met some really cool people. I'm hoping that 2019 will bring more road trips, late night star gazing, coffee dates and adventures. I feel like this year is going to be a good one.