living life yellow.
the ramblings of a 21 year old
This blog is one I have thought about for a while but for some reason haven't actually gotten round to writing it. I think its for a fear of being judged or people not understanding. But what's the worst that could happen, people might think I'm a little weird - which people probably do.
I am a monster, and you can't tell me otherwise.
First of all, I'm a very anxious person, which surprises a lot of people I think. I'm not one to have a panic attack, which is what I think a lot of people think anxiety is. To me anxiety is not crying or hyperventilating. Anxiety for me is walking through the local universities campus and feeling like I don't belong there. It's being at the supermarket and not having a list so feeling overwhelmed and disassociated. Anxiety for me, is feeling like I'm out of control and can't get my brain to work. This monster does not want me to be in control.
A huge part of feeling anxious for me is feeling like my brain is just shutting off. I get flustered and indecisive. I feel like I am living in a dream. On the outside, the world just keeps spinning, but inside my head, everything has just stopped. It sounds ridiculous but that's how it feels for me.
Throwing the chronic illness side of in here there too is a rough one. I have a constant fear that I'm not going to be ok, or I'm going to go somewhere and have a flare up or bleed. Right now I'm writing this feeling faint from blood loss and pain, thinking about how horrible it would be if I wasn't in my bed right now.
This year I have stepped out of my comfort zone a lot. As I've mentioned before, I've moved into a new flat, with people I didn't know (and luckily are pretty cool) I've started back studying, and I am trying to put myself out there more. All of this is great but it just feels like a constant build up of anxiety that I try to manage, that somedays it all just comes out at once, in usually a destructive way. The monster can be a real bitch sometimes.
When I'm in pain or sick, I lash out at people. I'm a like a dog with a sore leg, if you touch it, they'll bite. I push people away because I don't want them to see me as a "sick" person. I don't want endo to define me but it's a huge part of my life that I can't exactly hide it. The monster has mad trust issues.
I see myself as a monster. I believe that some of the people who are close to me know exactly what this monster looks like too. It's not something I'm proud or ashamed of, this monster is just there. I need to learn to tame it and live with it.