living life yellow.
the ramblings of a 21 year old
My life now is so much different to how it was at the beginning of this year.
2017 started off pretty well for me. I joined a gym, fell in love with crossfit and got in reasonably good shape. I spontaneously decided to study make up artistry which was me following my passion and dreams. I made a bunch of new friends. I loved my job. I was pretty happy with where I was in life.
I never would of imagined that I would get to a point like this.
After the surgery, I was told that they burnt out majority of the endo. I thought that I would be pain free. Never did I think that my pain would stop me from study, work and potentially living life "normally."
I'm not the person I used to be. My family can tell you that, so can my boyfriend and my friends. I'm sad a lot of the time. I'm sad because I feel like the pain is taking over my life. I feel like there is a monster sitting inside my uterus, controlling my every move and thought. It's always there.
I do feel happy sometimes. When I finally catch up with friends or leave the house for something other than a doctors appointment. But I always end up in pain after because I've pushed myself too far or I just happen to have a flare up. It sucks. I get anxious to go out in fear of being in too much pain or having to cancel, yet again, on my plans.
My brain doesn't work how it used too. I feel foggy and forgetful. I can't read books because the words just don't go into my head. I feel to scared to drive alone because I have pretty much no attention span at the moment. Everything is just getting so difficult. Not just for me but everyone else involved and I hate that. My family worries about me, so does my boyfriend. I know they hate it too when they see me uncontrollably sobbing when the doctors say there is nothing more they can do.
Days to me feel so long. Everyday I'm doing nothing and it just reminds me of the stuff that I'm missing out on. I try doing different activities such as drawing, watching movies/tv, playing the sims, learning something new, practicing makeup, listening to podcasts/music... the list goes on. Nothing lasts longer than ten minutes tops. I don't know what to do to distract me from the monster. I don't want to feel sad. I tell myself I'm not sad. But I am. I'm just waiting for this pain to be over.
I feel weak. I feel scared. I feel lazy. I feel frustrated. I feel lonely. I know I'm not alone but the pain makes you feel alone. One in ten women have endometriosis but everyone has their own different story and I have no clue how they manage to cope with it. No one really understands what I'm going through. I know it could be worse really but that doesn't help at all. Saying that is the equivalent of saying "You can't be happy, someone else has it better." which no one would ever actually say. I've been told so many times that "it'll get better soon," but what if it isn't. That's my biggest fear.
I just don't really know what to do now. I've been seeing a clinical psychologist who is trained in endometriosis and it's made no difference. I see doctors and specialists who I feel don't take me seriously. I feel like I'm going crazy.
I hate this person I have become. Everything would be so much easier if the pain just went away. I feel so absorbed by it. It feels so unnatural for me to feel this way. I want to be happy, enthusiastic and bubbly like I used to be, but I just don't have it in me anymore.
I don't even know why I'm writing this blog but usually when I type out my feelings it helps. Part of me is writing this so when I get better I can see how far I have come. I've started journalling as well as this blog. I have my own note book where I jot down small achievements I have made in the day; left the house to do something or tidied my room for example. It's also a space for me to be physically creative. I've made habit trackers for things I need to do everyday to make sure they get done. I love the satisfaction of being able to tick a box when something is completed. Brain dumping is important to me too. I tend to have a lot of stuff going on in my head (as you can probably tell from my rambles on this blog,) that writing down tasks I need to do, things I need to organise for the next day, make sure I don't forget things, or even just writing down quotes to get me through the day.
I don't really know what to do from here. I want to get better and be pain free so badly. I wish I had a spare $20,000 lying around, so I could have my surgery within the next couple of weeks. I wish everything was just back to "normal." I do have a lot of wishes; maybe that's why I wear my wishbone necklace at all times, and feel naked without it. I just wish I was well again, and I wish I was happy.
I do also wish I could take it all away for those others suffering out there too.