living life yellow.
the ramblings of a 21 year old
Don't get me wrong. I love being single, it's a lot of fun. But sometimes it can get difficult or awkward due to ya gal being chronically unwell. There is no easy way to bring up that my life is a wee bit different to the average 20 year old's and it's even more difficult to explain what's going on with me without sounding a bit crazy, or oversharing.
I've been dabbling with a bit of tinder/bumble and it's been going alright. The worst thing is when having endometriosis comes up on a date.
"Oh cool you have 2 gap years! Di you you work or travel?
"Oh, I had 4 surgeries.."
This is also when they usually try to be nice and ask why. There is no simple way to explain endo for me without jumping into a 1 hour seminar but this is my go-to....
"Something similar to my uterine lining grows in places it shouldn't be and it kinda sucks"
*insert confused boy here*
Been on a few dates so far and have met some pretty cool people, however turns out I have major trust issues. I don't really want anyone getting to close to me. I've put this down to the fact that eventually I'm going to have to tell them about a very large part of my life that is a bit difficult and unconventional. I feel like no one will ever want to date a girl who's broken. Yes, I know this isn't always the case but it really does feel like that sometimes. When I'm in pain and can't move I'm a burden, bleeding constantly isn't sexy and don't get me started on the painful sex.
Ok.. I'm going to talk about the sex thing for a bit. How do you even have a conversion with someone about this. It's not easy to sit someone down and say "Sex sometimes really freaking hurts," without seeing the disappointment in their face. Casual sex is just not really an option because it takes so much trust and vulnerability to even talk about a subject like this. Sorry boys :P
The pain with sex is something that gives me so much anxiety because I can see it being a deal breaker.
I feel like there is a huge part of my life I have to hide (lol they will probably read this at some stage if they're nosy enough,) because I don't want them to see my many flaws. It's weird enough seeing a girl who writes openly about her vag on the internet, but they don't know I pass out and vomit from pain, I've had botox and steroid injections in my vag, I see a physical therapist for my pelvis, they don't know the amount of opioids I take to function as a human being. I'm scared to let someone in and see the "real" me. When I do talk about my endo to them, I don't think they realise how much of my life is actually impacted by it.
Ultimately, I don’t need the guys I date to pity me when I’m in pain. They just need to understand that to date me is to make room for this facet of my reality. So many women who suffer from endometriosis have healthy and loving relationships, so I know that awkward moments and uncomfortable discussions are simply part of the journey.