living life yellow.
the ramblings of a 21 year old
I don't think I look depressed. Or anxious for that matter. I suppose I don't even look like a sick person most days either. But here I am.
When I was young, I was what my mum describes as "the life of the party." I was a happy child. But now, sometimes I just feel sad, or anxious, for no reason. I feel numb. I don't want to talk to anybody, I just want so sleep it all off. I have no motivation to do anything. For example, it's taking me a lot of willpower to force this blog post out of my brain. I hate it.
Nothing traumatic has happened to me in my life so the doctor is putting it down to a serotonin (the chemical that makes you happy) deficiency and that at the moment, my endo is making life pretty tough. I started taking amitriptyline in august last year, after my parents and boyfriend became worried about my "low moods." I soon changed to nortriptyline as I could handle the side effects better, but I was noticing no change in my mood. At the start of this year, everything became tough again, so my doctor prescribed me fluoxetine (Prozac) and stuck with it ever since.
My reluctance to start taking antidepressants was mainly due to the fact that I believed that I wasn't depressed. I wasn't suicidal or self harming so "obviously" I wasn't depressed. I soon came to learn that anxiety and depression takes many forms.
I also never really made the connection that being physically unwell could make me mentally unwell but looking at it from an outsiders perspective it's pretty obvious.
I tend to have everything under pretty good control these days but sometimes it all hits pretty hard. Anxiety has been the worst for me purely because I'm constantly self sabotaging myself with anxious thoughts. Nighttime is the worst. As I am trying to fall asleep, I feel like I am going to mentally combust but have no reason as to why. My chest hurts, my heart races. The palms of my hands start to hurt (sidenote; does anyone else get this when they are sad/anxious?) It's like I'm subconsciously anxious and sad as soon as bed time arrives. Then I start getting anxious about not sleeping and it all snowballs from there. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who does that.
Mental health is just a weird thing. I feel sad when I don't want to feel sad or my brain tells me every possible horrible scenario that is going to go wrong, when it obviously isn't. Part of the reason that I created this blog was purely so I could rant and vent about any shitty situations I was going through.