living life yellow.
the ramblings of a 21 year old
I haven't written a blog post in a while because recently my health has, yet again, taken a turn for the worst. It's probably gonna be a long post today so grab yourself a cup of tea or something...
It all started off with a reasonably ok Wednesday. I felt fine. My car died temporarily but we got the red rocket back up and running with a jumpstart from a friend. Leo and I had hot chocolate cones. Everything was going well; which is how all these stories seem to start. I started feeling uncomfortable in the cafe so we headed back to the car. Approximately twenty minutes later I was doubled over in pain. When we got home I couldn't get out of the car without feeling like my legs are going to collapse out from under me so I was somewhat carried into my room. The pain was the worst it had ever been. Paracetamol, ibruprofen and tramadol were making no improvements to the pain and neither was my heat pack or the bath.
We headed into the emergency room which is about a half hour drive from my house. It felt like the longest journey ever. I fainted twice in the car. Once we reached the ER, Leo grabbed me a wheelchair, which had happened to be out in the rain so it was soaking wet, and wheeled me in. It was 4pm when we arrived. We waited about an hour to speak to the first nurse, who was very unhelpful, gave me some codeine and sent me back out to the waiting room. The codeine did not help either (what a surprise) and eventually I was taken to a bed to be looked at.
The ER was a rather different experience this time round. I had the most amazing nurse named Kate, who could tell that I was in a lot of pain and stressed. As she took my bloods (something I really don't enjoy doing,) she made jokes and talked to use about how she's just started watching Riverdale, and absolutely loves it. This was something that was greatly appreciated by Leo and I as we have had our fair share of hopeless nurses in our time in the ER. She also gave me some sevradol (morphine) and some anti-nausea pills. The doctor we had was also great! It was a male doctor whose partner has endometriosis. He was very compassionate and referred me up to the gynaecology ward around 10pm.
I was put in an assessment room and was told that the doctor will be in, in about half an hour. Leo was picked up at 11:30pm. The doctor arrived at 1am. Apparently lot of babies were being born and you can't really just tell the women/babies to wait so I didn't really mind. She asked me lots of the usual questions and got me to go through my medical history with endo. I was moved into another room in the ward which is where I would be sleeping. The room had only two other beds in it, but this night only one was occupied. This was my first time ever staying overnight at the hospital so I was very scarred and anxious. I do not do well staying away from home, let alone somewhere where I am completely on my own. The nurses came in, gave me more painkillers, checked my obvs and gave me a sleeping pill. I thought this would just knock me out but apparently not. I did not sleep a single wink that night. My headphones were my most valuable item, allowing me to listen to podcasts and watch youtube videos to get me through the night.
Day 2 was probably the worst. Painkillers weren't helping. I was sleep deprived. The doctors weren't going to send me to do any scans or tests. All they were willing to do was give me painkillers. This is frustrating as it feels like I'm not being listened to and that they are not concerned about me. It is very hard when you are in a large amount of pain and all the doctors do is give you painkillers that are obviously not working. To make the whole situation worse again, that afternoon I started vomiting, I decided to stop taking the painkillers as that was what was making me vomit and stuck to sucking on ice and anti nausea pills for that evening. Luckily, because I hadn't slept the previous night, I slept right threw my pain on Thursday night thanks to being so damn exhausted.
I was sent home on day 3. There was nothing that they were doing that I couldn't do at home. I was sent home in the same amount of pain I went in with.
I'm so sick of always being in pain and having no one help me. I feel like no doctors or specialist believe that I am actually in pain. Apart from Leo, none of my friends seemed too concerned that I was in hospital and none of them came to visit. I feel so alone being in pain all the time. I feel like the pain will never end. I can't cope with it anymore and they expect me to wait another 3 months to have surgery! I can't get up to go to the bathroom by myself as the pain radiates down my thighs and into my hips, making me feel unbalanced and dizzy. I'm sick of everyone always being frustrated at me because I need help for somethings. I feel like I'm an inconvenience to my family and loved ones. I'm just over always being in pain with nothing I can do about it. I'm sick of everywhere else in my body hurting. My joints are so stiff and my back aches from hunching over. I hate feeling sad all the time because this disease is ruining my life! I want to be able to have something to do with my day rather than just sit around trying to deal with the pain. I want to actually be able to get out of bed in the morning and I want to be able to sleep at night. Most of all I just want to not be in pain anymore.