living life yellow.
the ramblings of a 21 year old
How's it going, been a while hasn't it?
Let's face it, a lot has happened since I last wrote a blog post. I usually write when I'm not in a good place. This blog is my journal so generally you don't hear from me when things are going pretty well.
I was thinking 2020 was going to be my year. I started my degree in health science (double major in psych and health ed for those wondering ) and am working 3 jobs. In general, I was getting my life back on track and reaching my goals - but then 2020 got wild, for all of us.
New Zealand (the country I live in) went into lock down yesterday. No one is to leave their house unless it's to go to the supermarket or the doctors. It's going to be like this for the next 4 weeks at least.
Let's just say it's only day 2 and I'm going a bit insane. I'm very extroverted. I love being around people. My job involved talking to hundreds of people a day. Being locked in my house is insanely difficult for me.
Lock down has also hit pretty hard for me because I've spent two years of my life not being able to work or study due to being too sick. I lost my independence, felt incredibly alone and isolated. Now, I'm finally getting my life together and I've been forced back into this isolation and don't have a clue what to do with myself.
Don't get me wrong, I am totally for the lock down and recon aunty Cindy made the right calls (blessed to live in a country with such an empowering woman running the show.) But I can't wait for this to be over. I'm pretty sure my friends are already sick of me face timing them 5 times a day.
Over the next 4 weeks I thought it would be interesting to document what's been going on, not only to keep myself sane, but to show you guys that you're not alone. My favourite thing about my blog is that I reach so many beautiful people all over the world so it's never really a dull moment. It's funny to think that I actually started this blog post the day that I had to resign from my job because I was too sick to work. This blog was made purely to keep me sane, so let's hope that is still the case.
I'm isolating with my parents, 4 rats and the stray cat that showed up at our house a couple weeks ago. Let's just say tensions got a bit high today. I may have had a screaming match with Dad (sorry dad) and ended up throwing the bottle of milk in a very immature adult tantrum - safe to say I'm not coping too well with everything. Chilled out for a bit by reading a book that I picked up to read during iso - "the invisible load" by Dr Libby. It's actually the perfect book for me to be reading right now as it is the ultimate guide to understanding and combating stress and overwhelm. Overall, today's been not bad, but not great. It's only day 2 and all I want to do is go to work and see my friends.
Let's ride this crazy wave of 2020 together.
Felt like writing so here I am. I feel like every blog post starts with me apologising for being so shit about writing here. It also usually is when I'm wide awake in bed, a little doped on painkillers and listening to dodie on repeat. It's almost nostalgic.
As the tittle states, dating is hard and boys are dumb. I've been single for 10 months now and it's been great. I've learnt a lot about myself but it's also lowkey exhausting.
This is probably going to be a super complain-y and downbuzz blog post so there's that warning. It's just getting to the point where I just can't be fucked with boys. The last year has been filled with some characters in terms of dating. I've met some amazing guys who I've actually become good friends with, or I get led on and then get hurt. There is no in between.
My theory to this is that I'm quite a big extrovert. I love being around people, it's what I thrive off. I'm also an enneagram type 2 which means I'm a bit of a "helper" which means I get attached to people super easily - not the best trait.
But as a type 2, my biggest fears is not being loved or not feeling wanted which really hits hard. I constantly need validation which makes being single hella hard. On a bit of a side note, if you haven't done the enneagram quiz it's actually really interesting (and exposing.) Myer briggs is also another good personality test- I'm an ENFJ. These tests have helped me learn and understand myself a bit better. It's also cool because you can follow the instagram pages/subreddits for your type and get helpful info or memes you can relate too.
There's also the health side of things. This year has been a better health year but we still not doing too flash. This is particularly hard to explain to guys why you struggle to get out of bed in the morning not just because you're lazy but you're actually incapable of sitting up. When I do bring up endo usually their response is "yeah my mum/sister/cousin/friend/ex had that." which I personally hate because endo affects everyone differently and it means they're coming into my life with pre- conceived ideas of how someone with endo acts/copes with it. To someone who isn't really accustomed to the chronic illness life, the late night hospital trips and popping tramadol on the regular can be a bit much.
At the end of the day it would just be cool to have someone to come home too. and to cook for. Because honestly, when I'm just cooking for me, making an actual meal is a lot of work, and dishes for just one person. I'd like to think I'd put in more effort when it's not just little ol' me.
Someone air drop me a husband please.
Oh hey, it's been a hot minute (6 months to the day..) since I last posted anything so I just thought I would jump on here and write something for you. The last six months have been hectic in the most beautiful and stressful way possible so I just thought I would jot down some ways of how I have gotten through. A lot of this stuff is going to be common sense stuff that but we all need a reminder now and then.
Don't get me wrong. I love being single, it's a lot of fun. But sometimes it can get difficult or awkward due to ya gal being chronically unwell. There is no easy way to bring up that my life is a wee bit different to the average 20 year old's and it's even more difficult to explain what's going on with me without sounding a bit crazy, or oversharing.
Ok so yet again this blog post is going to be filled with a lot of tmi talk so brace yourself.
This year I swapped from using tampons/pads to using a menstrual cup. The Hello Cup, to be even more specific. I've been thinking about making this switch for a while now for a few reasons;
1) Menstrual cups are more environmentally friendly - less waste being chucked in the landfills/oceans.
2) I spend a tonne of money on pads and tampons each month and as a broke student, that doesn't fly well with me.
3) Menstrual cups are friendlier to your vag. No nasty toxins or parabens to be soaked up.
All of these have been really good and valid reasons to make the switch, but I'm not going to lie, I was pretty apprehensive. Cups can be pretty intimidating and my period is a bitch as is, so let's just say I wasn't going in with high hopes.
This blog is one I have thought about for a while but for some reason haven't actually gotten round to writing it. I think its for a fear of being judged or people not understanding. But what's the worst that could happen, people might think I'm a little weird - which people probably do.
I am a monster, and you can't tell me otherwise.
Hey friends. This is going to be a weird blog post because I don’t really know what I want to write about but I want to write, so grab a cup of tea and let me fill you in on a few things.
First of all, surgery #4 went pretty well. They found more endo (shocker) and my fallopian tube was tangled around my left ovary, which explains all the pain I’ve been having on that left side. My IUD was finally removed, as it was literally wedged into my uterus, so glad they managed to sort that out. Overall, I have been feeling amazing. As expected, my first period after surgery sucked; we are talking a ridiculous amount of blood loss (If you’re new here, sorry, I’m unfiltered,) and a lot of pain. Luckily I was able to hibernate for that week and after it all ended I was back to feeling pretty good. I have been out and about with friends a lot which has been so freeing for me, and overall my mood is so much better. I am starting to feel like myself again, which is so refreshing.
How cute is this doodle by one of my best internet friends Anna! (@an.na.doodles flick her a follow on the gram)
I'm gonna be honest with you; 2018 was hard.
Before I started writing this, I read through my "Hello 2018," blog post, that I wrote at the start of last year, to reflect. In there I wrote down all my hopes, dreams and resolutions for the year, and to be honest, I didn't really achieve any of them.
2018 was a mentally tough year. I think it's the worst my depression and anxiety has ever been, and I feel like I shared a lot of that with you guys. There were a lot of times where I felt very alone and isolated because I was unwell. I even ended up having surgery #4 where yet again, they found endo and my fallopian tube tangled around my left ovary which explained all the pain I was going through (yay for it not all just being in my head.) I spent majority of the year inside of the house, which I really hate doing, and missed out on a lot of stuff. I just felt so consumed by being "not normal" compared to others my age.
I have take a while to have reflect on last year, and all the ups and downs that have happened and came to a conclusions that hopefully will help me become a better person in 2019
Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore Christmas. As soon as my birthday is over in June, the countdown to Christmas begins. But this time of year is super overwhelming for me, and others with chronic illnesses, because there we don’t get a break. Even on Christmas, we are still unwell. My chronic illness this year, in particular has made me feel a little bit isolated. I’m going to assume that I’m not the only one who feels this way, guess I would just let it all out.
To put this into perspective, most people this time of year are asking for time off work over the holidays to go to festivals and on vacation (summer in my country,) where as I have just submitted my holiday leave, so I can have my fourth surgery.
Upholding a steady job with endo is a challenge. Between 2017/2018 I have taken almost a year off working, just because my health wasn't reliable enough for me to get up to go to work every day. There has been lots of up's and down's but I'm finally happy to say that I have an awesome job, that works around my health.
I have a kinda of quirky job. I work at a local escape room place, which is a lot of fun. For those of you who aren't familiar with escape rooms, my job is to pretty much, lock people in a room, watch them and give them clues on how to escape. It's a pretty sweet gig.
This job for me has been great for a few reasons.
1) I love escape rooms. Work is a lot easier when you're doing something you enjoy.
Think outside the box. Never in the world did I think I would be doing this job, but it's by far the best one I've had. If you have a passion, work out a way to make it your job. When I'm feeling sick, all I want to do is get back to work as it makes me feel like a normal human again, and it's fun!
2) It's mainly sitting down most of the time watching people, but I do get a chance to stretch my legs as I reset the rooms.
This is perfect as sitting down too long or standing too long gives me pain. It's the perfect balance. I totally suggest if you are looking for a job, find out somewhat what your triggers and limits are and work from there
3) The other staff are pretty cool. One of the best things about working here is that I don't feel guilty when I am sick. This was one of the reasons I resigned from my previous jobs, as whenever I called in sick, or requested time off for surgery (which was once not approved) it was always a big deal to them. At this job, the other staff members have became my friends and my boss is super understanding about what's going on for me.
At the moment I work 3 days a week; usually Fri/Sat/Sun. Which means I have time to recover the rest of the week. Overdoing it means I end up in more pain, which means I have to take time off work, so I take it small steps at a time. I'm also currently working only part time, as next year I intend to study full time, but that's a story for another blog post...
During the week days I also babysit, two boys (aged 5 & 7) before school in the mornings. All I really do is get their breakfast ready, make sure they get changed into their school uniforms, then hang out with them till it's time to go. This has been a perfect wee side gig for me. If you Can't work full or part time, I would totally recommend babysitting as it's usually pretty easy work (depends on the kids!) and it's fun!
For me, a healthy work environment is super important. I never want to work at a place that makes me feel guilty for something that is out of my control. Holding up a job is something that is important to me, because it's one of the only aspects in my life that makes me feel like a normal human again.
And never feel ashamed if you can't work. Take time to properly deal with your health. It is so worth it in the end.